Melanie Schaller

Melanie Jewel Schaller was our first daughter and a labor of painful persistence on the roller coaster of infertility. She was developing perfectly. We had two ultrasounds before being released from the U of I to our Obgyn. I was miserably morning sick, which was worth it, to me, with a dream of being a mom. We had one trip to the emergency room, which led to seeing that Melanie had grown her arm buds and was waving. The nursery was ready, themed pink elephants. My belly was rounding at about 16 weeks. I heard her heartbeat on February 20, 2019, and still have the video on my phone. When we went just two weeks later for our 20 week scan we heard the unbearable. Her heart had stopped. I can still feel myself, shattered on the exam table, screaming in shock, as if I were floating over my own body looking down, this can’t be real. This was the last of our embryos, the death of our baby, the end of our dreams. My favorite nurse held us and let us know we were not alone. She later shared her own story and we grew closer. As the appointment ended, we were given options, I couldn’t bear the thought of not having answers, more so, not meeting her so, an induction was scheduled. I remember the “congratulations” as we were checking in, and the flood of anger and shame. After all, I had been sitting at home for two days waiting for my induction appointment and one more  thing I could not handle was explaining to a stranger that I was checking in with a pregnant belly and would be leaving empty. 

After a day of medication and monitoring, we delivered Melanie on March 15,2019 at 9:37pm. Labor was fast and we found out the cord had wrapped around her neck twice causing her demise.She was 4.3 ounces and 7.5 inches long. When we found out we had lost Melanie our world came crashing down. Everyone at Genesis East took care of us. We were able to create memories we never thought possible thanks to Jess and Margaret. Jess coordinated everything from finding outfits and blankets to taking footprint and handprints. She knew everything I would need for Melanie in a way I couldn’t yet bring myself to understand.She called Margaret of NILMDTS and she came to the hospital in the middle of the night and blessed us with  the most beautiful photos of our baby girl. A photograph may not seem like something you would want at the time but once it is all you have, you gain perspective. We treasure those photos. 

I stayed up all night holding Melanie. I knew our time was limited (even though they say take anll the time you want)  I couldn’t bother with sleep. We had Melanie baptized the next day in a private ceremony with my parents and the chaplain. It was perfect and she held Melanie and said her name. We have the shell and cloth used in a special memory box. She was cremated and we have a Melanie bear that houses her urn and holds the knitted baby blanket she spent her time in. Time to time I will hug our Melanie bear and the smell of her blanket takes me right to her. Her wings were ready but our hearts were not.